¡Saludos, compañeros magos!
It’s that time of year again! It’s time for vacations. It’s time for cookouts. It’s time for judging other people’s hard work. It’s time for Swill!
Yes, once again in July we turn our attention to purchasing beer we don’t really want to make sure that we really don’t want it. But we have fun doing it! This year Joey was gracious enough to host us in his back yard. That is until Mother Nature threw everything she could at us. We almost outlasted her until the lightning got a little too close for comfort. Graciously we conceded victory and continued around Joey’s dining room table. Well played Mother Nature, we’ll see you next year.
What looked like it would be a comfortable night in the yard turned into a much more humid, intimate meeting. However, we accomplished what we set out to do which was to taste some beers of questionable quality and decide which one was the best-worst beer there.
Before we review the events of the evening there are a few ground rules we need to go over. First, theme of the evening: South of the Border. Any mass-produced beer that is from a brewery south of the US border in the western hemisphere on the US side of the Atlantic Ocean. Basically Mexico, Central and South America. Second, scoring was done using the Wizard’s time-honored finger system (1=horrible, 5=sublime). Third, the order of the beers listed below is the same order we had them during the course of the evening. I’ll provide you the beer’s overall score and average. There were only ten people participating in the scoring, so this made my life easier! Lastly, the choice for quote of the night was difficult this year. You guys really brought you A game!
That’s about all I have to say. It’s time to start the show. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the 2024 Wizard’s Annual Swill Off!
To get things started Eli played some charming theme music to help set the mood. Before our first sip the soothing sounds of Mariachi Bands filled the dining room.
1. Modelo Oro- Fun Fact: Oro = Gold. This slender beauty was a decent beer to get things started. The can said it was only 90 calories. The can also only seemed to contain 8 oz of liquid so make of that what you will. Right off the bat the can size was noticed and subjected to ridicule. “Skinny Cans are for shitty seltzers”. Besides the upsetting dimensions of the can the beer itself did respectable. “Better than a bunch of light lagers I’ve had”. “Not bad” “Some apple flavor.” Modelo Oro scored a respectable 27pts for a 2.7avg.
2. Modelo Especial- “Now for Oro’s big ass sister!” Yes, where Oro was a sleek, slim can of swill this was a fully grown 22 oz can of beer. Modelo Especial had the taste of nostalgia for some. “Familiar taste, like your buddy!” After hearing this I simultaneously wished for more and less information. No further explanation on the how, what, when, where, or most importantly why was given.
Luckily, we were there to judge the beer and not each other. Besides the bro-tasting memories the beer did quite well with the general audience “This one is fine.” Very drinkable. “Better than the first.” “Malty.” 34pts 3.4 avg.
3. Modelo Las Lima- So seeing the third Modelo in a row really brought out some negative feelings in the crowd. “Another Modelo!” “My father in-law is an Asshole.” The emotion may have had less to do with this being the third Modelo and more to do with the fact this was our first truly bad beer. “Mmm”-sarcastically. Some of us tried to pick up the mood. “My sister would drink this all day.” “In a strange situation I could find this appealing.” But alas these short-lived positive feelings gave way to the truth that this was just bad. “Tastes awful.” “Tastes like pool water with lime.” “I’m sad I brought this.” Modelo Las Lima would be our first sub-two pt average of the night, but it wouldn’t be our last. 16 pts. 1.6 avg.
4. Modelo Chelada- Ok, so by now you’ve probably realized that when you tell the Wizards to buy mass-produced beer from south of the border, they think Modelo. Holy crap guys. Not only was this our fourth Modelo, but it was also the worst by far. In retrospect I’m not even sure this should’ve been classified as a beer. This was closer to a carbonated bloody Mary. The comments were not so kind to Chelada “What the hell is this?” “Tomato and urine.” “Aww (in a very bad way). We were about halfway through the can when we made a breakthrough “You need to stir it.” “The texture is better this way.” Even with the improved texture this was not Modelo’s best offering. “Better than the lime now.” I’m not sure that was true. “I’m ready for a rinse.” Well said. 15 pts. 1.5 avg.
5. Cervesa Pacifico- Finally, we made it through the Modelo forest. It got a little dicey at the end but we’re on the other side! I think because of the previous two beers Cervesa Pacifico benefitted from some recency bias. “This is better.” “This would be good in a hot sun.” It wasn’t all that great though. “This is kind of weird”. Besides these comments there wasn’t much said about this beer. Dwayne did tell us a nice story about Germans moving to Mexico and taking over the brewing scene back in the day. We then found out that this beer may have been better a week or two earlier. “Is there a best by date?” “There is, and it expired last week.” 24pts 2.4 avg.
6. Mayabe- From Cuba. Don’t ask me how they got it here. This beer was ok but did have some mixed reviews. “Flavor is back!” “Not is a good way.” It was then that we had a bit of an epiphany. “This needs to be colder.” “Most of these beers would be better near frozen.” I think this statement is true. Most of these beers were meant to be had at much lower temperatures than our portable coolers provided. “Tastes like a tobacco wrapper.” I swear to God once that was said it was all I could taste. “I like cigars!” So do I! Before we voted there was a nice discussion on cigars. 23 pts 2.3 avg.
7. Corona Sunbrew Citrus Cerveza- I don’t know what Corona was thinking with this one. This beer was one of the few times I could barely get through a sample. I know I don’t get a vote but for me this one just tasted like bad fruit. To put it in perspective it made me think of Four Loko Blue Hurricane. “Like drinking the sun!” I’m not sure if this was meant to be refreshing or wanting to die from the pain of drinking it. There were some of the older guard that wanted us to toughen up. “Stop being crybabies.” “That’s got some flavor!” “Nice citrus flavor.” Eeh. Others were more on my side. “Not hitting for me.” “Buttery roundness.” Honestly Corona Sunbrew did much better than I thought it would. 15pts 1.5avg.
8. Toma- From Nicaragua! This feisty offering was just what we needed to bring us back up from the dregs of Sunbrew. “Ooh?” “Wow, tastes better than It looks.” “Better than the last few.” Toma didn’t receive too many poor comments, but it did make some rethink their life choices. “This is killing me. I’m done brewing, I’m just going to drink Modelo Especial.” I knew the Swill Off could be a powerful tool for existential reflection, but let’s not go too crazy! 31. 3.1 avg.
9. Prestige From Hati- I don’t know why but this beer made us take a good, hard look at America’s foreign policies for the last 80 years. “We’re good at screwing over small countries.” Besides discussing our country’s imperialistic tendencies, we felt pretty good about this offering. “This is ok.” “It gets better the more I have.” Eli then upped the ante with the music and put on drunk Mexican dad music. That was an actual channel! We then tried to figure out where this beer was actually made. This proved to be harder than first thought. “Probably Taiwan” “Holland?” After all was said and done Prestige from Hati stood its ground against us Americans with a decent score of 29 pts. 2.9 avg.
10. Red Stripe- Hoooray Beer! Our last offering of the night was a nice way to finish the evening. Red Stripe scored quite well and brought out joyful, painful nostalgia for some of us. “Bob sled!” “That is how I broke my arm as a kid!” The Olympics make everything look so easy. Then out of nowhere Bill showed us his feet for some reason. It was probably good that this was our last beer as it was clearly getting too late for some of us. There was also a bit of a dispute on if this beer should be considered “South of the Border”. “What border is this south of?” Overall Red Stripe did very well. “Better than I remember it.” This beer also gave us the quote of the evening from Brian W! “Jamaican me glad this is last one!” Here Here. 32 pts. 3.2 avg.
So, after the dust settled and the music stopped. I was able to tabulate the scores. The overall winner for the evening was………. Modelo Especial! With 34pts and a 3.4 average Modelo Especial beat out the competition to take home the gold!
With that said I think with all the Modelo’s offered this night there needs to be some sort of correction? Yes. YES! The Wizards need to expand their swill pallet and not just bring Modelo to swill events. So, as I have helped guide you in the past I will do so once again. I’m going to average out the points of all the Modelo’s and use that average for the final score, which is now 23 pts for a 2.3 average! That means Red Stripe moves into the top spot with 32pts and a 3.2 average! Go bob sled!!!
Well, there you have it. Uncontestable results from another very successful swill off. We braved the elements as well as the beer. In the end I think it was another great event . Also, one last thank you to Joey for being such a gracious host. Have a great summer, Wizards!
-Pat